Emotion regulation isn’t about stopping big feelings; it’s about learning what to do with them. Kids feel emotions just as deeply as adults do, but they don’t quite have the tools to manage those feelings yet in a way that is safe and appropriate. That’s where emotion regulation comes in and where adults play a really important role.

Emotion regulation is the ability to notice, manage, and recover from emotions in a way that appropriately fits the situation. For children, this can look like hearing “no” without having a full-blown meltdown, feeling excited without losing control of their body, and being disappointed while still staying safe with their words and actions. When children struggle with emotional regulation, it often shows up in tantrum-like behaviors, such as hitting, stomping, throwing objects, or screaming. These behaviors aren’t signs of a “bad” child, but instead signs of undeveloped or what Dr. Ross Greene calls “lagging skills.” It’s also important to understand what emotion regulation isn’t. It’s not pretending everything is fine and forcing a smile during uncomfortable moments. And it’s certainly not living in a world where no one ever gets upset. Emotion regulation is about learning how to feel emotions and manage them.

Emotion regulation is a learned skill. We are not born learning how to calm ourselves down, tolerate frustration, or cope with disappointment. For children especially, this is a skill that develops slowly over time and takes lots of practice. The prefrontal cortex is the part of the brain responsible for impulse control and decision making, and for children, this is still very much underdeveloped, making it difficult to pause before reacting. Before they can self-regulate, they must first co-regulate. Co-regulation is the process in which an adult helps a child regulate their emotions through connection, validation, and modeling. Adults already have more developed emotional and cognitive skills. When we stay grounded and validate a child’s experience through a calm tone, we’re essentially teaching them over time how to do this for themselves. Most parents can relate to the exhaustion and frustration that comes with frequent tantrums. Co-regulation is important because emotions can be contagious and when your child is dysregulated, your nervous system often feels it too.

Simple Strategies to Support Emotion Regulation

1.         Label the Emotion

Naming feelings helps children make sense of what’s happening inside of them. For example, “It looks like you’re feeling really frustrated right now.”  The key here is to validate the emotion without validating the behavior. Labeling helps show your child that you understand what they are feeling while also helping them learn to notice and name their own emotions over time.

2.         Adjust your Tone

This can be incredibly hard when you’re also frustrated, but a calm voice can reduce the intensity of the child’s emotional response. Your tone can often be more regulating than your words!

3.         Use a Grounding Exercise

Grounding techniques help regulate the nervous system and bring the body out of fight or flight. Practicing these techniques before a meltdown occurs makes them more accessible during hard moments. Some tools include:

·  Deep breathing (belly breathing, blowing out the candles)

·  Progressive muscle relaxation

·  Cold stimulation (splashing cold water on the face or using an ice pack)

·  A movement activity (going for a walk, stretching)

Emotion regulation is a skill children develop over time, and they need adults to help them practice in real moments. With calm co-regulation, validation, and consistency, children can build the skills necessary to navigate emotions in a healthy way.